THE NOTEPAD

What peace looks like

"I hope I find peace."

A quote I ended my previous piece with.

What does peace look like to me?

Happiness, joy, fruitfulness, holiness, saneness, selflessness?

These are all thoughts that surprise me.

The feelings are kind of distant. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't feel these "peace" — it's just that it's difficult for it to stay. Most of the times you see me smiling, playing or even talking, I mostly just take what's wrong with me and put it in a cage and then open it.

I tried to stop "feeling" until I started to let it all out and it started to overwhelm — to the extent I mostly didn't have it in me to care for other people. Someone mentioned it and I felt like a bad person for letting it out. I tried to pretend it's fine but it's choking me. It's hard to put it back inside.

Now it doesn't look like I'll find peace right?

I am shocked at the extent these thoughts are taking me to.

Now I look like a big problem to my friends. The ever feeling one. The can't keep in. The mood swinger.

But now I think I know my peace.

Choosing to be happy even if it all seems like it's not fine.

My peace doesn't have to be screaming happiness or joy or emotional stability.

I'm choosing to be happy. Personally, that will always be enough — even if I'm not fine

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Yours sincerely,

Samuel.writes